Ah the joys of hospitality. Bartenders are paid to make drinks. That is a proven fact, but let us make one thing clear, bartenders are in no way paid enough to put up with half the shit that you serve. I don’t care how drunk you are, here some things you should never say to a bartender…
Things You Should Never Say To A Bartender
Part One
“Is this your real job?”
Is your real job being a complete and utter dick?
“It’s my birthday!”
Oh congratulations onmaking it through another year of living and being one of millions of people who share the same birthday. You must be so unique and special. Here have a free water you self-entitled prat.
“I know the owner”
Funny that. So do we.
“Can I have a beer?”
Try picking one from the twenty taps in front of you. Oh sorry, you’re trying not to sound cheap by straight up asking for the cheapest beer we sell right?
“I don’t like the taste of alcohol. What do you recommend?”
I hear the Night Owl has a special on bottled water.
“What do you like to make?”
Money. We’re in the business of making money. Just pick a drink already!
“Can you make this cocktail this bartender made me this one time at this bar? It looked like this, I can’t remember what was in it or what it tasted like, but can you make it just like the other guy made?”
While we’re at it watch me pull a rabbit out of a hat.
“Can I charge my phone? What percentage is it? Have I gotten any messages?”
We’re bartenders, not a phone babysitting club! Seriously if your phone is that important to you, charge it before you go out or better yet bring your own charger. If your battery life is so bloody important to you stop eating it up using pickup apps like tinder and grinder!
“Do you have Gluten Free Beer”
How about a schooner of water shaken up with strips of cardboard? Better yet. Just go away, please.
Slurring “This drink is weak!”
Just wait until your next one.
“I know you guys are closed. You don’t mind that we are still sitting here?”
No, it’s not a problem at all. Don’t mind us. We just love standing around in an empty bar, with the lights on, with no music, waiting to go home after an eight hour shit at 5am, just you can make out over melting ice. If you haven’t already sealed the deal, accept the fact it’s just not gonna happen and move on.
“You are the best bartender ever! Your service was beyond amazing! Thank you so much. I can’t get over what a terrific job you did.”
Verbal diarrhoea doesn’t pay the bills.
In finishing here’s a bit of advice that you should take note of. Bartenders have the power to make or break your night. So don’t fuck with them!
These are just a few of the things you should never say to a bartender. Trust me, there is so much more.
If you can think of some others, leave them in the comments section below.
-Special K
Rehab For The Fabulous: The rants of a somewhat fictional character.
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